What is Trust?
Before you read any further, I’d like to invite you to complete this sentence:
“Trust is…”
I am not going to answer that question just yet.
I’ll talk about coffee first.
I make myself a cappuccino from my coffee machine mostly every day. But it hasn’t always been like that. Believe it or not, 3 years ago I inherited a Nespresso coffee machine, and I didn’t know how to use it, until six months ago, when I decided to explore how to make myself a coffee for the first time.
(Yes, we are talking about the model on which you just have to press once to warm the water, insert the capsule, and press again to get your coffee ready in 15 seconds).
So, what was it, about the use of this coffee machine?
I didn’t drink coffee until I was 25 years old. I started to drink a “quarter strength mocha” once to twice a week “to fit in”, and it took me about 5 years to get used to coffee taste and be able to drink a normal cappuccino, plus 2 more years to drink an espresso.
Coffee was something I would buy occasionally from the coffee shop, exclusively. From seeing friends and family being totally dependent on their daily-routine-3 to 6 coffees a day-addiction using the machine home, I certainly didn’t want to become like them, needing a “daily dose” to function every day. I was totally against this idea and I had pride in not “needing a coffee” to survive my day.
Like “not using the coffee machine by fear of becoming a coffee addict”, “not giving your trust to someone by fear that this person could break it” is just a limiting belief that needs to be reframed.
Actually, Trust is a belief itself.
So, how can “trust” be correctly defined?
If we question the dictionary, here is what google tells us:
As you see, trust is about a “firm belief”, in a bunch of intangible factors.
But is the google definition the absolute definition? What’s yours?
I have asked around me to a few friends to give me their own definition of trust:
“Trust is about knowing that the other one will take care of you.”
“Trust is having faith in something or someone.”
“Trust is being sure about someone, know that you can count on him/her.”
“Trust is knowing the other person will not betray you.”
“Trust is about love.”
“Trust is when you stop doubting.”
“Trust is confidence, belief, reliability, faith.”
Trusting is not just one thing. The dictionary definition is a benchmark but is not the absolute answer to what it truly represents for each of us. Each of the above definitions constitute as many beliefs about trust from each of the interviewed persons. And beliefs can be changed.
And what makes it hard to define trust is the fact it is way more than a belief.
You all would know about the five senses (sight, smell, taste, touch, and hearing). I believe we all have another one.
The sense of Trust
At first sight it is barely impossible to determine whether you trust someone or not. Yet, within a few minutes you can sense how you feel about someone and whether you are inclined to trust that person. There is an intangible part in trusting that is to do with intuition. Inner judgement.
Trust is something you develop. You learn to trust someone at that person’s contact.
And there is a factor of reciprocity when establishing trust. It will be easy to trust some people, and with others it can take time or never happen.
Whom do you trust?
A spontaneous answer may be family members, because there is a natural bond established early on in your life that creates a sense of natural closeness. And friends. Why do friends become your friends? Because you develop trust at their contact, and the more you share, the closer you become and the more you build trust.
Trust is not black or white. You can trust someone for particular things, like your Doctor who should know best about your health (but you would probably not share more with him), or your boss, whom you trust to have your back.
Can you trust your sense of trust?
All your senses are altered by your individual perception of the world, by the internal representations you have of your surroundings. There isn’t such thing as a scale to measure the acuity of your senses, to determine that such food tastes better than another, that a sound is louder, that a perfume smells good or bad, that a fabric feels softer than another. Trust doesn’t escape to this universal rule. Based on individuality and personal experiences, the level of trust can vary extremely from one person to another. It is based on your own definition of trust.
There are two levels of trust. The sense of trust in one another that is intangible, and trust based on the fact the other will fulfill your expectations.
Trust should be free from expectations.
I trusted you’d think about that.
I trust everything will be in order when I return.
I trust you will never hurt me.
I trust you to keep my secret.
All these statements imply that trust is a belief in a probability that a person will behave in a certain way.
If “I trust you’d think about that” (for instance, to bring back the bread home, or to pay a bill on time), it means I expected you to perform intrinsically a certain task or action. And if this hasn’t been satisfied, you’ll be disappointed and likely to say you “cannot trust that person anymore”.
But is trust something so volatile? Can someone “break your trust” so easily? Think about it.
Mostly, when you say you trust someone, it almost undeniably implies a certain level of expectations towards that person, a form of dependency. You observe her behaviors, and you become to assume that person will behave in certain ways. And when it doesn’t happen, you get disappointed.
How can I trust you again?
After what he did, I can’t trust him anymore.
If you break my trust, everything will be finished.
I don’t want to give him my trust, because he will break it.
If I start giving my trust, then I can never turn back.
Sounds familiar?
Having expectations automatically implies some kind of agreement between the two persons occurred. When nothing is agreed, you cannot expect someone to perform a task to fulfil your desires, just because that is what you had in mind. We cannot guess what someone else has in mind simultaneously as us.
However, if you had an agreement and that the other didn’t respect it, you are the only judge about how this makes you feel. But is it really about trust? Isn’t there a difference between trusting someone and believing someone will do something?
I would like to leave you with my definition of trust.
Trusting is knowing deep inside that you are connected with the other person. And this is the “additional sense” I was referring to earlier. Trust implies that no matter what, you know the other person is here, and that there is a feeling of reciprocity, a feeling of caring, that the person is not going to disappear. It is knowing the other has your back.
In a nutshell trust is a complex word.
There is not one absolute definition of trust, and therefore we need to be flexible about its use, and tolerant to admit we can all have a different perception about it.
Trust is intangible. It is like an additional sense to the common five senses we use every day. Trust establishes between two persons intuitively and builds as the relationship progresses.
Remember my coffee machine? I have understood that coffee is not a bad drug for me, but I had first to fight my initial belief and start drinking coffee to realize all that.
If you feel you should trust a person, but you are scared of the consequences, you should probably trust your Sense of Trust. If you have a good feeling, have a sip. This is the only way to see if your beliefs were right or not.
Sometimes we are more scared about the expectations being broken more than Trust itself. Remember, Trust is a Belief.
Follow your Sense of Trust.